In Pace Requiscat Kitty
Posted by writebymyself, Dec 5 2008, 12:13 PM in personal
It’s just past 1am Friday and I’m starting to write this before I actually send it out. As many of you know, I visited Scooter Wednesday 3 December. During that visit, Scooter told me it was time, but I didn’t say anything to anyone because I was waiting for final word to make sure. Today (Thursday), at a business dinner, my mobile phone rang with a call from my vet.
The tumour doesn’t need a biopsy. It’s malignant and there are signs it’s spreading. There is no surgical option, there is not chemotherapy option, and there is no radiation option. Sadly, time’s up. She’s in pain and it’s only going to get much worse, quickly.
I asked the doctor if we could bring Scooter home for her final moments, and normally the doctor doesn’t do that. But she would have been willing for me as a special favour except, and I agree with her, that moving Scooter would be a very cruel thing to do, as it’s very painful for her to be moved. She just hurts too much where the tumour is pressing into her nerves.
Scooter has been with me since about 1987 (I’m thinking late 1987) when I was in school, and when I first got her – or more accurately when she moved in and adopted me -- she was between 1 and 2 years old. That’s how me and her primary vet arrived at her age. Her regular vet confirms this analysis and she’s been seeing the same vet (barring the trips to the emergency vet) since day one.
This has been really hard on me. Scooter is my best friend. I love her more than anyone. I’d find this a lot easier to do to a person than to my cat. If you’re a pet owner, you get this.
I know I did everything that could be done, and more than most people would do. This wasn’t ever about the money and charging those thousands of dollars to my credit cards was never even a consideration. I’d have spent all my money if she could be saved and lived a happy, longer life. Quite frankly, I’d much rather be dead right now than her: I'd make the trade. But don’t worry, I’m not planning on doing anything like that but I am very depressed now. This hurts more than I can explain. I’m dying inside.
I really don’t want to be there for this, but I will. I couldn’t do that to her -- leave her alone at the end. I’m going to bring her two more treats (not sure if she can have them) and her brush. I will brush and cry the whole time. I will be a wreck after.
----
All that was written last night (or early this morning). It’s 236pm and I’m just back. It’s done. I tried really hard not to totally collapse. I failed. This was definitely the hardest thing I ever had to do. I went in, and did all the paperwork. I was doing okay until they gave me a choice of urns to select. That’s when I started to cry.
I went back and visited Scooter in her holding cell. The original plan was to take one last photo of me and kitty. Neither one of us was in any shape to have a photo. So there isn’t one. I offered her a last Petrodex, but she didn’t even look. She knew. She knew I knew.
After brushing her, they picked her up, along with all her bedding as it was the safest way to move her. I would have carried her except at the point I was in bad shape. They kept asking if I was sure I could do this. The answer was no, but I said “I’m going to try,”
In the room, I totally broke down and wailed “I can’t do this” but I held on to Scooter. The vet explains there would be a pink injection and then a yellow one. If I could have spoken, I’d have asked for my own set. It didn’t take 90 seconds. They put in the pink one and wait 60 seconds – that’s just a muscle relaxant. Then the yellow one, and it’s over. “She’s gone,” the vet said. She never closed her eyes, the whole time and I never let go. Then I ran out the door and drove home. I hate life right now. I miss her so much.
In Pace Requiscat.
More Kitty News
Posted by writebymyself, Nov 29 2008, 06:30 AM in personal
It's 919am and I have news on my beloved Kitty cat. She had her MRI at the people-MRI centre and she handled the anaesthesia fine (which the vet says surprised her). They've reviewed the results. This will sound odd, but the best possible news would be for a benign tumour compressing the spinal column. I know it doesn't SOUND like good news, but that's what it is -- well benign/malignant not determined.
Now here's what's going to happen. Monday they will (in consultation with my real vet) contact a special hospital in XXXX that does non-invasive removal of benign tumours using lasers and ultra-something-or-other. If she is a candidate, they will biopsy the tumour. If it's malignant there is no hope and that is the end. If it's benign, we'll arrange for that surgery (it's about the same price as a small car).
If she is NOT a candidate for this surgery, then the fourth consulting doctor will decide if he can safely remove it. It's not IN her spinal column but under it. It's compressing the nerves in the spinal column. It's what's causing her pain and why the problem comes and goes. (I will kick myself for not having an MRI done a year ago, but who knew).
She's definitely in the hospital through at least Tuesday. But there is a chance, even if it's a small one. The vet said she woke up from the anaesthesia in a good and feisty mood. I'm leaving to vist in 1hr.
Thanks for caring. Scooter is approximately 22 years old and I really hope she lives many more years. She's been with me for over half my life.
I am Sad.
Posted by writebymyself, Nov 22 2008, 05:47 PM in personal
What a bad day. I woke up, because my kitty decided it was time for breakfast. I went to the bathroom and did my usual stuff and she followed. She did something really weird, put her paws full forward, spread her rear legs and looked like she was trying to take a crap in the bathroom. Certainly not normal behaviour. I carried her downstairs, put her down and she walked to her bed. I noticed there were little poo chunks (Hershey Kiss sized) all over the living room. Very odd. I picked 'em up with a towel and disposed of them and then washed up. I then went to get the paper. When I came back in, she was lying in a very odd position on the floor. I went over and picked her up and set her down. Her legs collapsed and she was unable to stand.
I grabbed her carrier, put her in it (she didn't resist) and drove off towards the 24/7 Emergency Vet at warp drive, nearly running the vet over in the back alley short-cut. I slammed on the breaks to talk to the vet who was on her way back from Starbucks. I drove around to the office, and they let me right in.
After several tests, xrays, etcetra, they determined there was extreme gassy building up causing pressure on her spine. She was treated for the gas and the pain and some sub-something-or-other fluids because she was a tad dehydrated. $400 for that emergency visit. Anyway, got her home and she JUMPED out of her carrier (a good sign), she ate, and went to her litter box and took a dump (another good sign). She was shaking a bit like she was cold but I figured it was a bit of a reaction to the anti-gas medicine because he stomach was gurgling and well, the gas WAS coming out. (The less said, the better.)
So I figured she was happy and well again. Went to have breakfast and then see Quantum of Solace. Came home. My kitty has one of those carpeted kitty-condos. She doesn't much use it any more except to keep her toys in the bottom part which is dark and enclosed. She's not been in there in over six YEARS. She was half in, laying on her side.
I pet her. Then I tried to pick her up and she cried in pain. I grabbed her cat carrier, picked her up as gently as I could, my poor heart breaking at her plaintive cries, and rushed her to the vet (again) calling ahead to warn them I was coming. I rushed in, flew through reception and into the office. They took another x-ray which showed even MORE gas. Something must be causing it. So anyway, they decided they'd keep her for a few hours and told me to go. Vet called me a few times to let me know they were giving her a Barium Shake and that so far it was showing all sorts of gas and she had no explanation as to where it was coming from because all her tests (heart, liver, blood, reflex, etc) were all perfectly normal for a 21/22 year old cat.
She called me at 7pm to say my kitty isn't better and she has to spend the night at the vet :(
Beep, Beep, Yeah
Posted by writebymyself, Nov 9 2008, 06:55 PM
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." – This from the Declaration of Independence. I used that quote in a story I wrote recently. I'm using it here. It also pertains.
I recently realized that I could pack up and leave and it wouldn't be a big deal because almost nobody would notice and even fewer would care. In the 9 November 2008 PostSecret (a great blog if you don't read it), there was a postcard that said: "… I wanted to move somewhere where nobody knew who I was …. Then I did, and realized it didn't make everything magically better." So I got to thinking. That post card is absolutely right. Everything would not be magically better. Obviously. But it wouldn't be any worse. There's still nothing stopping me right at the moment, except finances. So the bottom line there is it is coming, will come, will happen. There's only one thing that might stop it, but more on that later.
Anyway, all this stuff had me thinking. And yes, I know, I think too much. So lets go back to the first quote I opened with. Hold on to that, because it's important. "The ways of the Lord are impossible to understand and always ugly." At least that's what one of my editors recently said to me in an email discussion. I concur. The Lord is a very mean person because if he exists, he's not been kind to me.
There are lots of things in life I want, and I've come to realize that I'm not getting them. None of them really matter to me now except one, though. In life, everybody wants lots of things, and you can't have them all.
Sometimes, something happens in your life. Something that changes everything. It doesn't matter if you want that change or not. It comes. In this case, I didn't want it, didn't expect it, but am happy it came. But this one thing, it's a Big Thing. It's a secret that I've not shared with anyone. Nor will I. I'm willing to give up everything I have to get this one thing.
I'm trying to figure out how to make this happen. I'm quite literally willing to give up everything if I can make this happen. But the bitch is in the details. I'm trying to figure it out. I will. One day. Or die trying. It's a need and it's been consuming me these past four weeks. I'm trying to banish it from my head, but I can't. I don't sleep, just sit in bed and think. I'm the walking dead and it's all I think about: and I don't mean this in a bad way. To me, at least, it's a Very Good Thing, though it is quite the mental trial.
What's caused this vexation? Well I've realized that out of Life, Liberty, and Happiness, I get to pick one and one only. The others happen or not according to my decisions in life. That leaves me with a choice. Actually, there isn't a choice. I'm going to go for Happiness, even if it's a short burst of it. The die is cast and it's only a matter of figuring out how to make it work. I figure just about three years maximum, but I do hope it doesn't take that long.
From a mental standpoint, I think I am a mess. Happily, I do have a very small group of friends I can discuss this with. I think I've mentioned that before. I've had half the discussion already with one person. I just gotta' screw up the courage for the other half. There are two halves: the disastrous half and the apocalyptic half. Hey, if you're gonna' do something, do it right. Hell, I might even need professional help for this: but I'm not getting it. Thanks in advance for that suggestion but I don't want it.
Beep, Beep, yeah: from the Beatles "Drive My Car"
Things Are Afoot
Posted by writebymyself, Nov 8 2008, 05:30 PM
You may notice the world tour thread is gone from my blog. I made it invisible. Sorry. There will be no world tour. Something simple got complex and therefore it shan't happen.
Thanks for those of you who seemed to be interested.
Soon
Posted by writebymyself, Sep 15 2008, 05:30 PM in writing
1. Soon
2. Pain
3. Different
4. Message
Clues :)
Assistance
Posted by writebymyself, Jul 30 2008, 04:59 PM in writing
I'm stuck. I'm working on something new and completely different. I've got one last bit to write and I'll be done.
Here's my issue: I enjoy the story, I enjoy the message, but there's no point. It's just stuff happening with no goal. And it's not a happy story. I don't think it'll be well received without a goal. In fact, I'm not even sure Dude will want it hosted here.
What should I do? Ideas, etc, welcome.
PS: I note with sadness the rating for my blog continues to drop. Three stars. Hmph.
NEAWMS is done. Yay.
Posted by writebymyself, Jun 18 2008, 04:13 PM in writing
His Dude-ness has posted the final chapter today. It's there. All done.
The FINAL CHAPTER has been submitted is now posted here at Awesomedude.com! You have reached the final destination on this journey and I want to personally thank you for coming along for the ride.
Chapter 22 is how the novel ends and how I fully intended it to end. However, I have written a short epilogue at the urging of one of my editors who thought it needed a little more (I disagree). It may be posted in a few weeks. I am still undecided, so perhaps some of you reading this will tell me if I should post it or not.
I have a single chapter written of a new story. Nobody's seen it as I post this. I mean *NOBODY* -- it's unedited as of yet. It is not scheduled for posting this year, or maybe ever. If I do write it, then it's for 2009 release. I will wait until it's done and then post a chapter every other week until complete.
Also, I did a "Director's Cut" for AWMS and am toying with doing that for NEAWMS. Is there an audience for that? What would you think I should add? I have some ideas, but again it's just an idea floating in my head.
Thanks to those of you who continue to e-mail me and show your support. It means a lot to this ol' raccoon.
Special thanks to the secret cabal who looked over my first proof-of-concept draft for NEAWMS as well as to my proofer/editors who insist I not reveal their names. They have helped this work come along nicely and become the coherent angst-ridden story you all seem to love :)
REMEMBER, the only motivation and thanks any on-line author gets is YOUR feedback.! Write your favourite authors today.
Humility
Posted by writebymyself, Jun 8 2008, 01:40 PM in writing
Has been bestowed upon my based on the sheer volume of emails in regards to chapter 21. Thanks to my readers. Wow.
I hope the final chapter, coming in a fortnight, meets everyone's needs.
Reasons Bush sucks Donkey Balls
Posted by writebymyself, May 22 2008, 01:34 PM in personal
I posted this in the forums but think it's better suited here. So...
Damn, I've seen Keith Olbermann go off on Bush and his cronies before, but he just tore Bush a new one... This is awesome. http://tinyurl.com/5htb6k
By the end he's getting close to that Howard Beal (from the movie "Network" --- you know the I'm mad as Hell guy....) The very end is classic actually....
Anyway, it's priceless. He goes off on Bush, bringing up a few facts which most people don't seem to realize. And more importantly you really do realize Bush thinks it's his war and that golf really does matter to him more than a human life. Listen to it all. Then make sure you get a non-voter or a republican to vote for a democratic candidate.
If you love this country, vote against Bush. Save us.