Kayden II
by Ryan Keith
Chapter 8 - Dreams
***Zac***
After my last encounter with Kayden, I couldn't help but hate him. Winter break didn't start until after Friday. My final talk with Kayden was on Thursday; one more day to go. I was surprised to see Kayden in religion, and more surprised to see him in English. He didn't look at me or talk to me. Maya didn't try anything, which was good. She just exchanged looks with me, not only confused but probably a bit guilty. I knew she felt bad, and it hurt me that she did. I didn't want to make my friends worry, but there was nothing from stopping this from happening.
I was more than surprised when our English teacher called on Kayden and me to read a passage from our Shakespearean play. Kayden said he wasn't feeling well, so his part was given to someone else. That hurt a lot; it was like he was going out of his way to avoid me. It was like he was angry with me. I was angry with him! He had no right! Was he trying to get me pissed at him? It was working.
***Kayden***
The Asian girl blocked my way. I looked up at her and tried my best not to react. I’ve never really connected much with Mai, so I wonder what she thought she could actually do.
"Let's grab some lunch," she said to me, smiling.
The move was made, and it was by Mai. I had expected Zac's friends to try something, whether it be the guys or Maya, but this really was unexpected.
"You make it sound like we're good friends… I'm not dating Zac anymore, remember? Now you don't need to act like a friend," I told her. I knew it was true; it had to be true. It had occurred to me a couple nights before. Zac's friends had had to like me because I was dating Zac. It explained Scott's sudden change of heart towards me. One minute he treated me like scum, but when he found out Zac is gay and was dating me, and he became a friend. I wondered if Maya was the same.
"That wasn't a suggestion or a question, Kayden." Her voice cut me. Her face was still pretty and smiling, but there was an edge to her words.
I drew my hand forward, as if asking her to lead the way.
We really didn't get lunch. We followed the crowd to the cafeteria, but then to the side exit to the outside. It was cold out, but the area is boxed in on three sides, so the wind didn't hit us. I was fine in my shirt, but I knew Mai was cold with her sweater.
"I thought we were going to have lunch," I said.
"It's too busy in there, and I don't want people to overhear what we talk about."
"So, Zac put you up to this? I wouldn’t think he'd be the type to use his…"
Mai cut me off. "Cut the crap, Kade. What is this really about? Are you trying to play some sick game?"
"Maybe," I told her. She just stared at me. "Life is a game. Let's just say that things are better off this way."
"Right… So tell me, what happened to the Kayden who got exited whenever he heard Zac's name?"
"Mai, let's stop this, okay? There are some things better left unsaid."
"No!" she said stubbornly, as she crossed her arms. "You're going to tell me exactly what I want to know, one way or another."
I just stared at her as she gave me a look that screamed, "Well?" After a moment, I gave in.
"I don't love Zac. I can't…" I began.
Her eyes were less threatening as she lifted her face to me. "Why not?"
"I'm not gay." I lied.
Her eyes got as big as saucers.
"What the hell do you mean?" she yelled, lowering her arms.
"Well, since you won't drop it, I guess there's no point holding out on you. But know this, if Zac finds out, he'll be even more upset. After you hear this, you'll agree its better he doesn't know."
"I'll be the judge of that. Now spill it."
"I'm not really gay. There's this girl I was always seeing. She lives in Toronto. She suggested it, and it sounded like fun, so I gave it a try," I told her.
"You were still seeing this girl while you dated Zac?" she asked, disgustedly.
"Yeah… I was just sort of comparing, I guess. I wanted to know how far I could really get with a guy. Call it an experiment, or whatever you want to call it."
She looked like she was wishing death on me, but I had to push through.
"I guess Zac was serious. It wasn't supposed to go so far, but since he really did like me, I thought I should just end it before it became too serious," I said.
"So you played him. You played Zac," Mai said, stricken. She looked straight at me and shook her head. "You're a liar. Tell me you're lying. You loved Zac. Why would…"
"I guess," I said, looking towards the ground, "I'm just that sort of guy."
*SLAP*
"How dare you!" she yelled. "Playing with people's hearts…especially someone like Zac. He trusted you! We trusted you! And we played into your sick game. You piece of shit!"
I stepped back. I really hadn’t thought she'd hit me. I guess I went too far. I swallowed and forced myself to finish what I had started.
"Well, now you know. Are you going to tell Zac?"
I felt like gutting myself, the way Mai was looking at me. Not with hatred, but complete despair.
Oh shit… Did I go too far?
Tears fell from Mai's eyes. "Please stay away from Zac. You've hurt him enough, and he still loves you. He's trying hard, but he really does love you. Please don't hurt my friend anymore. I won't tell him, but please leave him alone. You played your game. Are you happy?" she cried.
I felt my throat parch up.
"It's better this way," I whispered to her before walking past her and back into the school. "You should probably keep it to yourself. I know you wouldn't want to hurt Zac anymore than I have. So let the truth stay with just you. It's all up to you…just let it go."
I was gone.
***Zac***
"Soooo," Maya whispered as I played with my soup.
I looked up at her and saw she had something to say. Scott, Maya and I sat around our table, not really eating and not really talking.
I smiled the best I could and took a spoonful of my soup.
"Are you coming to school tomorrow, Zac?" Maya asked.
"I guess so. Nothing to do at home, anyways," I told her.
Friday was basically optional for students. No one really did any work the day before winter break started, and the day was marked by friends cutting class or going to The Christmas Follies. That’s a mini concert of students and staff doing Christmas stuff; plays, songs, jokes. Nothing but bullshit. I knew I was feeling very bitter, but it was Kayden's fault.
"You should come to the follies tomorrow. I'm playing. It would mean a lot if you guys came," she said.
"You know we'll be there," Scott answered for us, placing an arm around Maya, "and you're going to do great."
She gave a big smile that seemed to radiate her love for Scott. It was the type of smile I thought Kayden had shared with me, but I guess I had been wrong.
"You guys doing anything tonight?" Scott asked. "Zac, your place? How about it?"
"I don't know, I'm feeling kind of tired," I told him. I really wasn't, but I just didn't feel like doing anything. In fact I hadn’t felt like doing anything for a few days. It was more or less like I was just living, with nothing really to look forward to.
Why can't I just go back to when Kayden and I had never met? God, I hate him. Who does he think he is?
My anger with Kayden had deepened that very morning, when I saw some girl talking with him as they walked together. It looked like she was talking his ear off and he was attentively taking in every word.
"Maybe we can do something on the weekend," I suggested.
They both seemed to like the idea. Scott tried to take a bite of Maya's sandwich and caused her to laugh. I smiled at them. They truly were in love. I suddenly felt like a third wheel and decided to give them some space.
"Guys, I'm done with my food. I need some air. I'll see you later, alright?"
"We'll come with you," they both said together.
I looked at them and realized what they were trying to do.
"Guys…" I began.
"Oh, please don't start, Zac," Maya said, crossing her arms. "We actually want some fresh air, too."
I gave in, and we all got up and headed for the cafeteria side doors.
***Lenne***
It was the last day before winter break and the crew was moving towards the gymnasium where the follies would take place.
I felt great around Mai and her friends. Well, my friends, too, I guess. That day when I thought everyone was giving me the cold shoulder, Mai explained to me it was about a close friend of theirs. She explained it was something important and not something she could really tell me without the person's permission. I could tell she was really upset over the way things played out, so I knew she really wanted to be my friend.
We took our seats, Zac beside me and Jett on the other side of Zac. Mai, Shin and Scott sat in front of us, but turned their seats around so the six of us could talk before the show.
I noticed Maya and Kayden were missing, but I knew Maya was in the follies. I wondered if Kayden was doing an act, too.
"Hey, did anyone see Kayden?" I asked. "I thought you guys always hung out together. Where did he go?"
I felt something cold crawl up my spine after I said that, because I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I looked around and saw some of them had pained expressions.
I felt embarrassed and covered my mouth with my fingers. "I just asked something I shouldn't have, didn’t I?" I asked, scared to death.
"Guys, it's alright," Zac said gently. I turned to him and he gave me a gentle smile. He really is a good-looking guy. His smile was warm and embracing, but even still, there was a bit of sadness behind it. "I'll tell her."
I noticed that Mai got these big saucer-like eyes, like she was shocked.
"Tell me what?" I asked.
"Lenne, I really like you," Zac said, making my cheeks quickly heat up, "but I’m not the only one who does.
Oh, no! What have I done! I thought with horror. It suddenly occurred to me why Kayden was missing, why Zac was looking like he was, and why Zac's friends were all quiet around me. It all made sense. Kayden and Zac both have crushes on me! A beautiful friendship ruined by my own beauty. Oh, cursed fate, why have you done this to me? What a waste; they’re both amazingly hot guys…but I like older guys.
"All of us think you're a great person."
What?
"Which is why I know I can trust you with this. I'm gay," Zac whispered.
"Whaaat?" I said with surprise.
Realizing I had said that a lot louder than I intended, I covered my mouth, embarrassed yet again.
"I am sooo sorry," I whispered back when I noticed the hurt look on Zac's face. "This is not really what I expected the great secret to be. I guess I was blowing things out of the water with what I was thinking."
"So, it doesn't bother you?" he asked.
"Should it?" I asked back. "I think it's great. Media portrays 'gay people'," I said in a whisper so as not to attract listeners from nearby, " as flamboyant, limp-wristed guys. Not like there's anything wrong that type, it's just that it creates a lot of stupid stereotypes."
I watched as one by one the smiles began to surface on everyone's faces. I guess I did good.
"And so… let me guess. You came out to Kayden and he didn't take it so well?" I asked.
They all laughed, except Mai. She actually looked a bit sad.
"No, Kayden and I were going out. We broke up," he said sadly.
"Oh…" I said, quietly. Then it suddenly clicked. "Oh! You mean…"
"Yeah," Zac said, nodding his head.
"Kayden, too?" I wondered a loud.
"Zac, you just outted Kayden," Scott said, smiling.
Everyone chuckled lightly.
"I don't care. It's not like she's going to yell it out to people, plus, I really don't care about him anymore. He can go screw himself."
I was a bit surprised by Zac's language, and a quick look around told me that what Zac had said was completely out of character.
No one said anything for a moment, and just as it looked like Jett was going to say something, the lights dimmed and the show started. Scott, Shin and Mai turned their seats around and no one said anything else.
Some of the acts were really good. They did an act with Snoopy characters, and other skits which I was sure were from Saturday Night Live or something. A few girls did some dances; a couple did a duet. Overall,
it was turning out to be an enjoyable concert. I was really looking forward to seeing Maya perform, but I really had to go to the washroom. I got up and told the guys I would be back in a bit. Mai, wanting to do the usual girl thing, said she would join me. We got up and made it towards the exit.
"This is really great, huh?" I asked.
"It is. I think we have like a few minutes before Maya's piece," Mai said to me.
"What is she doing, anyways? Singing?" I asked.
"Oh, no, Maya has a great voice, but that girl can't sing," Mai laughed, "She's playing a piano piece. I think she composed it herself."
"Wow, she must be amazing, then." I suddenly realized Mai was not really beside me, but had fallen behind.
"What are you doing here?" she said past me.
I turned ahead and saw Kayden leaning against the gym entrance. His arms were crossed and it looked like he was doing a lot of thinking.
"I was asked to come," he said. "Is that a problem?"
Mai looked really irritated and I tried my best not to interfere. "Just stay away from him, okay?” Mai demanded.
What is going on? I've never seen Mai angry before, but she's pretty scary.
"I plan on it. Looks like Maya's next," Kayden said, nodding towards the stage.
Mai and I looked in and saw Maya sitting by the piano with a microphone in hand.
"I wrote this song for all my friends. It's called ‘Winter Wish’. For today, I would like to dedicate this song to two close friends," Maya said into the mike.
She looked up and I could tell she was looking at Zac. She then turned towards us and looked at Kayden. I felt Mai's hand grab mine and squeeze it gently. It was like she was expecting something bad to happen and needed support.
Maya took her seat and adjusted the microphone towards the piano.
It was a slow piece, but the melody was magical. It was played gently, and at times the notes were dragged slightly, allowing the sound to be more dramatic. I could feel the emotion building in the song.
I turned and snuck a look at Kayden. I wondered if he knew the song was for him and Zac. When I saw him, I didn't know what to think. Tears streamed down his face as he focused all his attention on Maya playing her heart out. Mai saw it too, and I felt her grip on my hand soften. I turned towards the crowd as I heard the sound of chairs shuffling. I watched as Zac got up and seemed to be rubbing his eyes. He was walking directly towards us. We were near the closest exit.
When Zac reached us, he looked up and made eye contact with Mai and me. He froze midway in his step and gazed at Kayden. Kade returned the stare. For a moment I stood between them, with Mai suddenly gripping my hand tightly again while Zac and Kayden stared at each other.
Zac made his move. He casually nodded towards us and brushed past Kayden.
I didn't understand that; both seemed to be torn. I wondered why they had broken up.
"Maya, that piece was beautiful," I complimented her. "How long have you been playing?" She blushed a little after Scott grabbed her in an embrace and kissed her quickly on the cheek.
"Since I was a kid," Maya replied, the colour cooling from her face. "Do you play any instruments, Lenne?"
"Yeah, right. My fingers are all messed up or something," I joked.
We all laughed, except Jett.
"Maya, what were you thinking?" Jett asked. "You know Zac’s going through a lot of shit.”
Maya looked at me questioningly. I felt like I was under the scope again.
"She knows," Mai said.
"I'm really sorry, Lenne, but we couldn't out Zac to you without his permission. Sorry if we were a bit cold the other day…"
"Not a problem," I replied back. "I'm just really happy you guys are even giving me a chance."
I returned Maya's smile and she looked mighty proud, for some reason.
"You still didn't answer my question," Jett said. "Why did you do that? Inviting Kayden, of all people."
Mai had walked away with Shin and they seemed to be talking about something serious. I didn't know what else to do but stand around with Scott, Jett, and Maya. I thought maybe I should take off. They might not feel comfortable saying things around me, especially about a close friend like Zac. It didn’t seem to bother them that I was around, though.
"I did what I had to, and I don’t regret it," Maya said, unafraid.
"Zac is trying to forget Kayden, and all you're doing is making it harder for him," Jett said, getting angrier.
"Hey, back off, man," Scott said, stepping in. "The last thing she would do is want to hurt Zac intentionally. Get that through your thick skull. Zac's not only your friend."
Oh, gees, things are getting out of hand.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jett asked.
"It means, quit pretending to be his guardian or something. It’s almost like you just want him to forget about Kayden. You don't trust Kayden, do you?"
Scott glared at Jett for a while and Jett returned his glare.
"No, I don't. And it’ll probably be best if Zac just forgets about Kade. He's nothing but trouble," Jett answered.
"How can you say that?" Maya asked in a voice louder than a whisper.
"I don't know much, but we can't trust Kayden. He's hiding things."
"You don't even know what you're saying, man," Scott said, shaking his head. "You have no fucking clue…"
"Don't give me that, Scott. You hated the guy from day one," Jett replied.
Scott didn't react, other than to say, "That was before I knew Zac loved him. You saw Zac, right? He was crying. Lenne," Scott said, turning to me, "you were closest to Kayden. What did you see?"
"Uh, umm," I said, swallowing.
"You're scaring her, Scott," Maya said, elbowing her boyfriend. "Lenne, did you see Kayden?"
Feeling a bit relieved, I answered, "I think he was crying."
The four of us were suddenly really quiet.
"I might not know much, but from what I saw, I think Kayden felt really sad," I told them. "And I might just be an outsider looking through the window, but I don't think Zac would want you guys to be arguing like this."
All three looked away when I said that.
I can't believe I just said that. Shit! They're probably thinking I don't know what I talking about.
"You're right, Lenne. We shouldn't argue like this," Jett said. "I don't know what I should do, though."
"Well, again I might just be speculating, but I think Maya did the right thing," I told them. "They saw each other. They’re both thinking right now, most likely. I’m sure they must have a lot of thinking to do."
Shin and Mai were still separated from the conversation, but the other three nodded their heads.
"You have a pretty good head on your shoulders," Scott said, finally breaking the ice. "You just saved us from all hell breaking loose."
"Whatever… I'm full of bullshit. I don't even really know what's going on, but I hope I helped some."
"You did," Jett replied, "and quit pretending you're outside looking in, ’cause you're already in."
That made me suddenly felt really happy.
***Zac***
"Zac, are you sure you're okay?" Sally asked.
I tried my best to bring forth the smile that usually brings smiles out in others, but it seemed to make her face twitch.
"Sorry, Sally, it won't happen again."
She looked at me oddly and then nodded her head before walking off.
I had screwed up for the third time that morning. So bad that the customer wanted to speak with the supervisor. Not only did I screw up the same customer’s order twice, I somehow managed to put sandwich sauce on one girl’s bagel, which was just gross. It was like I couldn't function properly, and it was pissing me off.
"Zac, you okay, honey?" Nikki asked, as she placed donuts on the rack.
After Nikki found out that Kayden and I had broken up, she'd been hovering around me the last two days, being all protective. I think she felt partially at fault for our breaking up. I knew she was not at fault, but sometimes I felt like blaming someone, and her name was the only one that seemed to pop up.
"I'm okay, Nikki; just tired."
"Bullshit," Jeff said as he brushed past me. He gave the waiting customer her coffee. We were slow at that time so he stuck around us.
"I know you're hurting, Zac, but trying to force yourself to be happy isn't doing anyone justice. Why don't you take a week off from work -- you know, to relax? You can start again after Christmas."
"I'm alright," I told them. "I just need to keep busy."
They finally left me alone to get back to work. I knew the real reason why I had been screwing up all morning. I couldn't figure out Kayden. It made me hate him even more, but when I saw him at the follies the day before I forgot about my anger for a moment. I had thought his hold on me was gone, but I guess not.
[delete line]
*************
"You sure you're going to be alright?" Dad asked.
"Yeah, the guys are coming by later with Jett's sister," I told him. "She's going to drop us here after the party. She won't be drinking, so don't worry about me; just have fun."
"I really hate going to these parties. I'm the loner who just watches everyone have fun. I can't believe your grandma asked me to go for her," Dad bitched as he adjusted his tie.
Grams is part of many organizations and groups. It happened to be a coincidence that one of the organizations she belongs to was having a large dinner in Whitby. She’s a large contributor and she was expected to be there.
"Well, she's in Vegas right now, right? She can't help it. Maybe you'll hook up tonight," I joked.
"Quit teasing, kid," Dad answered gruffly, before smiling. "Did you open your present from Grandma?"
"Yeah, some tacky sweater," I told him.
It really wasn't that bad, but it had this weird coat of arms on the left breast and it looked like some kind of uniform sweater.
"She made that. I had the same one when I was a kid. It's her family coat of arms, and she's really proud of it, so don't hate her for it. You got the other gift, too, right?"
The other gift he was referring to was the four hundred dollars Grandpa gave me. He gave me a card with a cheque inside. He figured I might already have things he would pick out, so he gave me four hundred to spend on anything I want. It was a great gift, but gees, four hundred is a lot. Dad gave me a digital camera, and I loved it. He let me open my gifts a day ahead. We were not really in the Christmas spirit. We agreed that putting up a tree and decorating the house was too much for just the two of us. Usually, Dad and I make a large dinner for the both of us and watch a couple of movies. But this Christmas was different.
"Yup!" I said, smiling.
"Alright, then, have fun, kiddo," Dad said, heading for the door.
"Later, Dad."
As I walked into my room, the phone rang.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Hey, dude, it's me."
"Hey, Jett."
"Listen, Zac, the guys and I were thinking. Can you please try to talk your dad into letting you come to the party? I mean, the gang really isn't the same without you."
"It can't be helped. Dad was asked to go to this party by Grams, and she promised her friends I would be there. I'm playing the guitar, you know? She told them I play, and now I gotta play some tunes with other kids I don't know. As long as I have the sheets I'm fine, though."
I really hated lying to my best friend, but I really just wanted to be alone. I knew if I went I'd drag the mood down. I didn't want to do that.
"Shit! So you really can't, huh? Man, you know this is like the first time we’ve escaped from family Christmas stuff, and it sucks that all four of us aren't together. Well, I guess it’s not really four, anymore. We have more like seven, including Lenne."
"Well, don't let me ruin the fun. You’d better have a blast, ‘cause I'm definitely going to try," I told him.
"Okay, man, take care. I'll come by tomorrow and we'll do something."
"No prob. Try to hook up."
"Thanks, man."
I sat on my bed, not knowing what to do. I saw my journal sitting on the edge of my table and so I reached out for it. I turned the radio on just to kill the silence.
** Friday, December 24th, 2001:
I'm lonely... I really thought maybe a miracle might happen... Kayden might come through those doors and say, "I was kidding." But it's not going to happen, is it? Were we really not meant for each other? Maybe we weren't...but then why do I feel this way? Why do I dream of him...why do I hear his voice wherever I go? Why does everything remind me of him...why can't I stop crying... I don't cry... Zac doesn't cry... But I really am crying...hurting. **
I had to stop. My vision was already blurred because of the tears. I wiped my eyes and something glittered at the corner of my eye. It was the jewel Kayden asked me to keep for him. I picked it up and examined it.
I should probably give this back to him. He said it’s something important.
I looked outside and noticed the sky was clear. Really rare during winter. I had the sudden urge to look at stars. I carefully opened my window and took out the screen and dropped it on my bed. I grabbed gloves, a pair of shoes and my heavy, hooded parka from my closet. I stepped carefully onto the roof and made sure the shoes had grip. There was still some snow on the roof, but it wasn't too bad. We had had a heavy snowfall the day before, and the snow was semi-packed and fluffy. My room is over the garage but I never get scared of the height while I sit there on the garage roof. The worst that could happen was I'd fall incorrectly and break an arm and a leg. Dad hates the idea of me sitting on the roof, but he can’t stop me, and he knows it.
I lay on the cold roof, staring up. What I had thought was a clear sky was actually a partially clear sky. There were some clouds, and I could barely see stars. I didn’t really think of anything as I gazed up at the dark sky.
Suddenly, something struck me.
Is this what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life? Crying over one lost love? Get over it, Zac. Kayden is not coming back to you. He doesn't seem to care, so why should you?
"But he was crying…" I heard myself say.
I really couldn't understand why he was. Maybe Maya's song was just really sad. I cried too, but I didn't really know why.
Realizing my butt was frozen, I decided to get up. "FUCK!" was all I could say as I started slipping.
It all happened way too fast. I was on my back, breathing hard, my mind in a bit of a daze.
Well, that happens when you fall off your roof, Zac.
I couldn't believe I had fallen. I was actually shocked. I started to laugh, and stared up at the sky and thanked God it had snowed hard the day before. I figured I was at the side of my house.
Must have slipped and slid off the side.
It was actually pretty fun. If it weren’t so life-risking I would have considered doing it again.
This is probably why Dad worries about me sitting on the roof. Can't say I blame him. I could have died. Maybe that wouldn't have been too painful.
I really didn't feel like moving. I stared at the sky and saw small flakes falling. I felt almost at peace. I closed my eyes and felt the flakes fall on my face and melt. Then, sudden thoughts of Kayden made me realize I couldn't just forget about him. I truly was in love with him, and it was all one-sided. Silent tears seeped from my eyes as I tried to stabilize my breathing.
"Kayden…"
***Kayden***
I opened my eyes. For a second I thought I heard someone calling my name. Pulling myself up, I looked out the window and watched the snow fall. Here I am sleeping my youth away. Or, maybe I’m preparing for the storm that’s coming.
Ever since I’d found out that Neil was after me, I’d really felt like I’d done the right thing. After breaking up with Zac I was able to find out a few things about Neil and his gang. It is true his sentence has been reduced, and since he was tried as a minor, he’ll be closely monitored instead of going into adult jail.
I also realized a plot was forming around me. I thought it was weird when a girl randomly approached me and started to talk to me. I didn't know her, but she asked quite a few questions. General questions that people wouldn't really pay attention to. I really had to think things through before I realized something was up.
*************
"So, where do you live?" the girl suddenly asked.
I turned to her questioningly. "This is starting to get weird, isn't it? It's almost like…"
"Like I'm a stalker?" She smiled amusingly.
"Yeah."
I noticed a guy watching us pretty intently. The girl also seemed to notice him.
"Well, actually, he's my boyfriend. He asked me to do this. He said something about his cousin wanting to know some things. Really, can we just cut to the chase? He promised to take me out tonight. Either way, I can easily find out where you live. I just don't want to go through the trouble."
*************
I knew that the guy I ran into at the party for Shin was somehow still connected with Neil, but I didn't think he'd act so fast. It almost made me happy I broke up with Zac. At least if something does happen, Zac and his friends won't be involved.
There are things I noticed after the breakup. I had thought I was having the time of my life with Zac and our friends. Now, I know there was always something bothering me about my life with them. A question seems to pose itself so freely in my mind since I saw Zac's tear-stricken face the last day of school before winter break.
"Were you really enjoying yourself?" it says.
I had been really oblivious to it before. There's something in me. Something like ice that won't melt. It was always at the back of my head whenever I was with Zac and his friends. I sort of felt like an outsider, like no one knew who I was. How could they? I was trying to hide who I am and what I've done. I began to realize why I felt like I did when I was around them. It always felt like there was something wrong; like the calmness would be disturbed by something. It was like I didn't really feel anything, even when I laughed and had fun with my friends. It was like something was treading lightly on my heart. I began to fear in those days, but they’re over, now. There are unyielding doubts in my heart. It was then I realized I truly am alone. Worries like those are always with me.
Why did I feel like I did around Zac? After getting to know him, I realized what it was. Zac was content with himself. He didn't hold himself up high, arrogantly, like some people in my last high school. He didn't brag about what he had; he was himself. He always pushed ahead without any insecurity, like someone who chose everything for himself…a person clearly living his own life.
Was I attracted to him because he is totally unlike me?
Our first meeting left a great impression. At first I tried to be the guy I had been before I went to Toronto. After I met Zac I tried to be the kid I was when I was still back home. I wanted to know him. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Did he have any worries or uncertainties, like me? Did he feel like he was isolated from the rest of the world? I wanted Zac. I wanted him to look my way. That boy…with unclouded eyes. It was the first time I had wanted something so clearly. It was the first time I fell in love…
I felt my gut sink as a sickening feeling ran through me.
A storm is coming.
***Kevin***
The party was brilliant. Not only was it classy, but also it had a great, festive feel to it. Nevertheless, I felt like I was constantly being watched. I was most likely the youngest person in the hall. Everyone was older; probably all of them were grandparents. The guests were mostly middle class to millionaires. You could sort of tell who was which.
Drinks were served in the outer hall while the doors leading to the main dinner hall were still closed. This was where people gathered to brag about their accomplishments or where they had toured last spring. I knew I was pulling all sorts of stereotypes out of my ass, but what else was I supposed to think when people old enough to be my parents surrounded me? There were a few young faces, and I noticed one lady eye me once or twice as she sipped her drink. I wasn't out on a dating game, so I tried to just play everything cool and not send false signals. It probably wasn't a good idea to stare, because she suddenly got an amused look on her face. I couldn't help it; she was beautiful…just a bit on the materialistic side, but still doable.
"Aren't you a little too young to be at one of these things? I thought I was going to be the only one under the age of forty here tonight." She smiled as she casually touched her face.
I smiled kindly back at her. "I'm actually here to represent someone. She couldn't make it here this evening."
"Oh, your wife is on a business trip?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, I'm single; I'm representing my mother." I felt like kicking myself after I told her that.
"Your mother's on the council? That's excellent. Come this way; you must meet my mother. She helped organize this function and she probably knows your mother," she casually said as she took my arm to lead me.
Sometimes I wonder how I manage to get into these things. There I was, at close to six-thirty, bored out of my mind and surrounded by rich aristocrats who laughed dryly. It really wasn't that bad, but it wasn't my thing. The girl, who I found out was named Emmy, was still clinging to my arm like a date. Several times I tried to walk away, but she always had more people to introduce me to.
"So, what is Victoria up to these days?" an older woman asked as she turned to me.
There were about ten in the little group I was with. I felt a few eyes on me. Envious people who wished they were my age and getting to know those CEOs, lawyers, doctors and other millionaires. They could have taken my place for all I cared. I wanted to keep a low profile, but leave it to mum to make a big impression on a group of people. The number of things she is very much involved in surprises even me.
"She's with my father in the U.S. He had a deal to close in Las Vegas. They've lived in the U.S. for a while now, so I usually don’t know what they’re up to," I told them.
"Victoria never mentioned she has a son," some guy said with a low drawl in his voice. I couldn't tell if it was genuine or fake. "You are far too young to be on your own. You couldn't be older than twenty-five."
"I'm actually thirty-one," I smiled at him. The girl on my arm suddenly turned to me and I felt her grip loosen. "There are many people who survive on their own younger than even me."
"I find that hard to believe," another man said. "I was leeching off my parents until I was twenty-eight. I had my own estate, but they were paying for it while I was attending Harvard. How can you enjoy life without money?"
Well, man, my dad didn't really believe in pampering me past my childhood years. Unlike you guys…
"What do you do, Mr. Hunter?" the host-like lady asked.
"You know, a normal job. Nothing amazing like you people. It's enough to put food on the table."
By now Emmy's grip went completely loose and her hands fell to her sides. She was smiling, but it was a nervous smile.
"It must be hard with a job like that," a man said with sarcasm. "Must be hard for your girlfriend." The group all laughed their stupid laughs. I felt like screwing with their minds a bit.
"Oh, no, he's single," Emmy replied for me.
"Really?" a tall lady smiled. "That's hard to believe. A gorgeous young man such as yourself, single? It's a crime."
"It's true. I'm single. Just my son and me, actually," I told them.
They stared at me for a moment or two as shock registered on their faces.
Emmy was the first to react. "That's so sad… Was it a car wreck?"
"It must be hard for the little one. Was he close to her?" another woman asked.
I smiled. I had them by the balls and it was time to land the finisher. "Oh, no, Zac's already fifteen. His mother took off right after he was born."
It took all I had to hold in everything. Their faces were priceless. I was afraid the host lady would drop her drink. I heard one of the men beside me whisper, "No wonder she doesn't talk about him."
It was all too much; I was ready to burst into a laughing fit worse than Shin could ever do.
A figure down the hall caught my eye.
"I hope you people won't find it rude of me to break away for a bit. I just saw a close friend," I told them.
I didn’t wait for an answer; they just stood motionless, still shocked by what I’d revealed to them.
That should be enough for them to gossip about. Serves Mom right…making me come to this stupid thing.
"Kensuke!" I called out.
The man turned to me and smiled broadly as he approached me. Kensuke is Shin's father. I was glad I had found someone I knew.
"Mr. Hunter, I didn't expect to see you here!" Kensuke replied as he shook my hand.
"Scott's parents are here, too, as well as Joanna," he told me.
That really was quite a surprise, Jett's mum and Shin's and Scott's parents all at the same party.
"That's quite amazing, isn't it?" I said.
"It is. Come, we're all at the other side of the room. I had to go to the men's room. Lucky I did. You might have been stuck with some of these people," he joked.
"I know what you mean. I'm sick of these doctors, designers, and CEOs. I just want to spend some time with normal people," I joked.
Mr. Matsura saw right through my joke and laughed hard. Not quite like his son, but comparable. It was sort of an inside joke. Shin's dad is a doctor, Shin's mom is a housewife but also a clothes designer, and Scott's father is president of a company. His wife is basically his righthand man, or woman, but she’s a stay-at-home mother. Oddly enough, she makes as many decisions about the company as Scott's father does.
Anna, Shin's mum, was the first one to notice me. "Kevin!" she said as she gave me a peck on the cheek. "You’re looking as young as ever. How are you?"
The rest of them greeted me in a similar way; a handshake, though, with Scott's dad.
"You know me, still working," I told her. "I didn't know you guys got involved in these things."
"You know the women, they enjoy these things," Rodney, Scott's father, said.
Scott's mother, Katie, elbowed her husband playfully. "Quit playing; you're the one who dragged me here!"
"Aw, shucks," Rod grinned, as all of us burst out in laughter.
"Wow, looks like the fantastic four's parents are all united," I mentioned.
Mr. Kendal looked around and turned back to me with a mischievous grin. "You can say that again. It's quite impressive. With the six of us alone, we have ages that range from the 20s to...how old did you say you are, Joanna?"
"Oh, stop it; I'm not that old," Mrs. Emerson giggled. She doesn’t look a year over forty, but her eldest is already twenty-six.
"And I'm not that young," I smiled at them. "It is amazing that our kids are all together. They even survived the transition from elementary to high school. Some kids break off into other groups at that point."
"Well, I think we can all agree that our children are something else!" Anna proudly boasted, and we all agreed. "I Knew they were meant to be the best of friends the first time I saw the four of them together.
Katie laughed cheerfully; she has the most amusing laugh. "Well, I'm just glad Scotty has your kids to watch out for him. He can be a handful. Remember what happened at that summer camp we let them go to?"
"Oh, it's still fresh in my mind. When Shin told me he didn't want to go to baseball camp I almost had a heart attack," Mr. Matsura mentioned.
"They got into so much trouble when we were called in," I said.
Joanna had a sad, but at the same time happy, look on her face, as if the memories would were too much for her. "Boys will be boys. It's expected. They were all in tears when we got there. How could we have gotten angry at that?"
"I must admit, it was Scotty's mischief that got them all into trouble. If he was half the troublemaker I was, he'd never have gotten caught!" Rodney beamed.
Katie elbowed her husband again. "It's because you encourage him."
We all chuckled politely at their ruse, but I really wanted to burst out laughing.
I always knew Zac depended on the other three. Their number of friends is increasing, but those four are the true musketeers.
"I'm just really glad Zac has those three to be there for him. He really needs it right now. He's not in the best of moods," I mentioned somberly.
Joanna had a sympathetic look on her face as she folded her hands in front of her. "I heard what happened. That Kade boy broke up with him. Jett doesn't seem to know what happened; he says Zac won't tell him."
"Shin said the same thing. It was the first time I’d seen him get serious for a while," Shin’s mother added.
"I don't think any of them know. Zac probably doesn't want them to feel sorry for him. He always thinks of others. Has he said anything to you, Kevin?" Kensuke asked.
I shook my head. "Not really. He always seems to switch topics. He's trying to appear happy, so that others don't think he's hurting. It might be because I'm his father, but I can see right through him...he's still hurting."
"I just can't believe Zac is the one who is gay," Rodney said.
Shin's dad stepped in and sounded like he had something important to say. "I know! I was so sure it was going to be Shin. Remember, Ma, when we found him trying to wear your bra when he was five?"
I think our laughs hushed the entire hall. I know people within a seven-meter radius turned towards us because of our disruptive laughter. They probably wanted to know what was so funny.
Joanna wiped a tear from her eye. "Well, I think I can speak for all of us when I say nothing the boys could do would ever make me stop loving them, and I know you all feel the same way. Shin, Zac and Scott are also my sons." She raised her cup as if to give a toast to them.
"Each and every one of them," Katie said, raising her cup.
Everyone else followed, and we drank to it.
"Well, Kevin? You're the 'cool' dad, so do you know of anything they're doing that they might be keeping from us?" Scott's father asked with a grin.
"Well, you remember the Halloween dance? How old were you when you started drinking alcohol?" I began.
***Scott***
I always knew I was the troublemaker among the guys. But I knew they all loved the rush we got, the same as I did. They just couldn't stand dealing with the consequences. I used to think Zac, Jett and Shin were pussies because I had to coax them to join in my fun, but that was way before I even knew what that meant. Now, I'd take a bullet for them. I knew Zac was hurting, and I'd take the bullet for him, but this one was invisible. Zac never did tell us why he and Kayden broke up, so I approached Kayden and I got my answer. I was surprised, but in a way I could understand his reasons. I chose to honor his wishes and not tell Zac or anybody. If he trusted me that much, the least I could do was do the same for him.
The party was great and all, but without Zac, the mood among our friends was kind of down. Maya stayed with me the whole time, but I could tell even she wasn't up to partying.
The vibrating in my jeans scared the shit out of me, but then I coolly took out my cell phone and excused myself from the people we were sort of talking with. I headed outside as I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Oh, Scott, sweetie, your dad and I ran into Shin's parents and Joanna and Kevin. We might be home a little later, now. Is Jett's sister still driving you guys to Jett's place? She's not drinking, is she?" my mom asked in a loud voice. I could tell from the music in the background that she was at a pretty dull party, but she did sound happy.
"Nah, she's fine. She's not drinking," I told her.
"So there is drinking there?" she asked with a stern voice.
Oh shit!
"Scott, when you get home tomorrow we're going to talk," she said in her motherly voice.
"Yeah...okay," I said, submitting to the trap.
"I was just talking to Zac's dad. He's really happy you boys dragged Zac out with you tonight," she said happily.
What?
"Zac? I thought he went with his dad to that party."
"Well, he's not here. His dad said Jett’s sister was going to pick him up. You guys didn't forget about him, did you?"
I was seriously pissed. Pissed at Zac, and pissed at myself.
I tried to sound as calm as I could. "Of course not, Mom. Sorry, I thought...you were talking about someone else..."
"You're not drunk are you?" she asked suspiciously.
"Of course not!"
"Alright then, have fun, sweetie, and don't do anything stupid."
I hung up.
"Guys, I need to tell you something," I said to my group of friends.
They knew I was serious, because all of them put their drinks down and stood up. Some of the other people who had nothing to do with Zac just carried on their conversations.
"What is it?" Jett asked seriously.
"Not here," I said, as I turned my back on them.
I led Shin, Jett, Mai, Maya, and Lenne to an empty room. In the first one we entered we found two people in a major make out session, so we went to another one.
When I shut the door to drown out the noise, I began. "Zac lied to us. He didn't go with his dad to a party."
All of them were silent. No doubt they were shocked, but I guess they didn't know how to react.
"What the fuck? I knew it!" Jett swore, as he agitatedly paced the room.
"What are we going to do?" Maya asked.
"What can we do? It's not like we can go to Zac and get mad at him for lying to us…I guess he just wanted some space. I think we should give it to him. Both Zac and Kayden need their space to get over everything."
"What the hell does Kayden need to get over?" Mai said bitterly. "It's his fault to begin with, isn't it?"