BRIEF DISCLAIMER: Rather than limit myself in any way, take this as an official warning: this material is designed for adult audiences only. If you are under legal age in your place of residence, you should not access this work without your parents' permission. While most of the work is suited for any audience, parts of it may contain vulgar language, extreme violence, and/or sexual situations which may make certain people uncomfortable. If you may be offended by any of this, you should not read any of it. I will not limit my writing to keep from offending those with narrow minds or weak constitutions. I have a notification list and if you'd like to receive an e-mail when the next chapter is submitted, just write me and ask to be added! Names on this list are not sold, bartered, traded, loaned, or distributed. You will get mail only with major announcements, such as chapter postings. Lastly, if you're a professional publisher or literary agent, or know one, and would be interested in publishing my works, please write me directly -- I will be in your debt.

BY READING THIS STORY, YOU CONFIRM YOU HAVE READ AND AGREE TO THE "FULL DISCLAIMER" AS LISTED IN THE INTRODUCTORY DOCUMENT.

Alex broke down completely, something he hadn’t done since childhood. Sobs erupted as he crumpled to the floor and curled into the fetal position. Gavin was shocked by the sudden eruption of emotions from Alex, nor did he understand what had caused them. He wasn’t sure how to react. He knew he should do something, he knew he wanted to comfort Alex, and that he needed to comfort Alex. But, he was afraid of how Alex might react. He stood indecisively, unsure of how to react, feeling instinctively he should do something. Finally, he decided to throw caution to the wind and just be himself and do what he felt was right, which meant giving what comfort he could to Alex. As Alex cried, Gavin steeled himself against the possibility that Alex would lash out at him, got onto the floor next to Alex, and reached his arms around him, pulling his anguished friend close and holding tight.

To Gavin’s surprise, Alex responded immediately, wrapping his arms around him and continuing to cry; a damp spot quickly soaked through his shirt. Alex’s crying slowly abated, though the shivering that accompanied it continued in full force for some time.

The room was silent other than Gavin's few murmured words of solace, and the soft sounds when he patted Alex on the back, trying to reinforce the fact he was there, he was his friend, and he was trying to help.

They sat like this for several minutes, and then, suddenly, Gavin felt Alex stiffen in his arms. Gavin was just loosening his grasp when Alex let go of him and roughly pushed him away, a look of confusion on his face that changed to horror as he looked at Gavin.

"What's that look for?" Gavin asked. He had expected most anything but this. Gratitude, or embarrassment, or even love he could understand. Suspicion, caution, or fear was not only inappropriate, it seemed wrong. Gavin got up off the floor and said, "Alex, I didn't do anything to you. I was just trying to help."

"It's not you. Give me a minute, please? Do you think, uh, can I get some ice cold water, please?"

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll be right back.”

Alex took Gavin’s brief absence to step into the bathroom and clean his face and put himself back together.

Gavin returned with the water, which Alex guzzled quickly, hastily adding a thank you when he was finished. “I guess I owe you an explanation for that embarrassing scene.”

“You don’t owe me anything. We’re friends and friends don’t owe each other explanations. Though, I will say, that was very unexpected and an explanation would be useful.”

“This is going to sound really, really pathetic. And I’m completely embarrassed. You must think I’m such a dork.”

“Don’t be silly. Just tell me what’s up. Besides, you want to be done talking before mom comes back with the car, right? ”

Gavin moved to the bed, sat down, and silently beckoning Alex to join him. Alex sat down on the far end of the bed, then raised his eyes to meet Gavin's questioning gaze. He swallowed, and then he began speaking. “Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, my whole life I’ve wanted to meet someone who understands what I’m feeling. Only I’ve never really told anyone how I feel because I’m too afraid. Or maybe I’m ashamed. It doesn’t matter. I just don’t open up to people. As you so adroitly pointed out when we first met, I don’t have friends.”

“That’s not quite what I said.”

“It’s close enough. Anyway, the point being that you have no idea how much I appreciate your little speech. I could have said that – they could have been my exact words, but I’m a coward when it comes down to it. A total, complete coward.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Gavin said forcefully. "Everyone has problems. Yours aren't much worse than anyone else’s. You are too hard on yourself, and you shouldn't be."

“Why not? The truth is the truth and nothing will change it. It is what it is. You made me feel safe for the first time since I’ve been a kid. I’ve felt close to people but you’re the first person who made me feel safe and make me feel like you’d really be there for me. It’s what I’ve been waiting to hear my whole life: unconditional acceptance and friendship. I didn’t even realize that until after you said it. Then the reality of what a fuck-up I am just hit me, and I collapsed.”

“I think I understand. But then why did you push me away all of a sudden?”

“That’s the old me coming back. I’ve got so many walls I don’t know how, or even if, they’ll come down.”

“If you want me around, we can knock them down together.”

Alex started to tear up again. Gavin noticed and said, “Alex. Close your eyes for a moment. Trust me.”

Alex closed his eyes, and when he did he felt Gavin come closer, “Keep them closed. This will only take a second. I just want to give you a bit of reassurance.”

“Okay, Gavin.” Alex sensed Gavin lean forward, and felt him a quick kiss on the cheek: chaste, yet emotional.

“See? That wasn’t so bad was it? Nothing sexual or threatening. But I really do care, you know.”

Alex had several reactions. He liked it. He hated it because he felt like he had somehow cheated on Nicky by enjoying it. He was sure this could ruin his friendship with Gavin. All he said was, “Yeah, I know you care. Please, don’t do that again. It freaked me out.”

Gavin said, “I understand,” even though his reaction clearly showed he didn’t.

“Gavin, I’m pretty sure you don’t understand. I want to clarify. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I had the same reaction with Delos.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Not as bad, because I’ve known her for so long. But I still am basically uncomfortable with human contact. I constantly crave it and think I want it, but when I get it, I can’t handle it.” Alex sniffled a little as he composed himself.

“Alex, that’s really fucked up. You’re repulsed by what you crave?”

“Yes. I think that sums it up nicely. No wonder I don’t have any friends.”

“That’s probably part of it. But I’m glad you’ve opened up to me.”

“You know, that freaks me out too. I’ve told you more about myself in this brief conversation than anyone I’ve ever known.”

“Even more than Nicky? I mean you obviously had a close relationship.”

“Nicky and I had an interesting relationship. I know a lot about him and he knows a lot about me. But it’s not the deep, knowing part. He can tell you all about me, but I don’t think he knows what makes me tick.”

Gavin was looking at Alex intently, observing his body language, the tone of his voice, the pacing of his words. “I’m going to jump to a conclusion here.”

“Jump away, Gavin.”

“I think you’re in love with Nicky. I’d bet money on it. It wasn’t just a deep friendship. That’s why you want to go back.”

Alex looked down sheepishly. “Yeah. That’s about as close to the truth as anyone can get. Do you hate me for it?”

“No, not at all. I’ll be honest; I wish you felt that way about me. My attraction to Delos is entirely sexual I’m embarrassed to say. She’s pretty hot, you know.”

“Yeah. It hadn’t escaped my notice.”

“I wish you felt that way about me.” Gavin was looking at Alex wistfully, his emotions close to the surface and apparent in his eyes. “My attraction to you is really complicated, but it’s pretty obvious Nicky owns your soul. Are you willing to tell me about Nicky? The real story, I mean: not the bullshit one you gave in the papers.”

“Not now. It’s really, really complicated. And I’m not sure you’d believe me, and worse, I don’t know if I trust you enough to repeat the whole story. That’s not a reflection on you, Gavin. I’ve already shown you more trust than I’ve shown anyone else, opening up to you like I just did. I trusted you enough to tell you that stuff, to give you information you could use to hurt me. I do trust you, Gavin. But not this; not yet. You’ll have to give me more time. Trust takes time.”

“It didn’t take time with Nicky.”

“I know. I know. It’s my instincts....”

“So what do they say about me, then?” asked Gavin interrupting.

“You’re pretty aggressive and you don’t let things go, do you? We’re teenagers, Gavin. This whole conversation is just really weird. It isn’t normal for people our age.”

“So? Neither one of us is normal, Alex. I’ll stop if you tell me. But you haven’t told me to stop. I’m not one to let something go easily. Not like this. You’re talking and you need to talk.”

“Probably.”

“Look, I can’t convince you to trust me. You probably shouldn’t trust anyone who’s trying to convince you. I agree that trust takes time. But if you can trust Nicky instantly, why can’t you trust me?”

“I dunno,” said Alex so softly that Gavin could barely hear him. Alex was looking down, an indescribable look on his face.

“I know what it is. You don’t want to trust me. You’re afraid because you feel like you’d be betraying Nicky.”

Alex realized Gavin was being very perceptive, and that he’d found the truth.

Gavin continued, “I can accept that, but you can’t be afraid to tell me things.”

Alex sat there, not saying a word, lost deep in thought.

“I’m not trying to replace Nicky,” continued Gavin, pressing on. “You need to resolve your issues with Nicky because they will hang over every relationship and friendship you ever have. I’m not judging you. That’s your burden. I’m not a brilliant psychologist either – this is pretty obvious. But you know, for a complex guy, some stuff about you is absurdly easy to figure out.”

Gavin paused to let Alex speak, but again, nothing was said.

“At some point you’ll be ready. I’ll be there for you. I’m going to be the best friend I can to you. I don’t care how long it takes, but one day you’re going to realize that. Think really hard, Alex. What do you have that I could possibly want? Nothing, that’s what. The only thing I want is you. If it’s just as a friend, I’ll accept it. But if it was more, I wouldn’t turn it down.”

Alex stood up, his face now showing nothing. His face was like the Alex of old, showing no emotion. “I gotta go home. We’ll be cool, but this is too much. I can’t cope.”

“This is the perfect time to let me help. I’m sure your response is to always go it alone. Please, try it my way.”

“I can’t. Not yet. I’m not ready.”

“Fair enough. But don’t expect me to give up trying. Anyway, I’ll leave you alone for now. What do you want to do until mum gets back?”

“Your choice.”

“Well, I wanted to talk about your psychological issues, but you’ve ruled that out. So we can play a game or something.”

Alex was silent, torn between a visceral need to flee and the realization that talking as they had just been doing had been painful yet also astonishingly liberating. It was difficult for him, but part of him wanted to continue. He was torn, but he reached a decision, and cautiously he said to Gavin “You know what? Maybe we can talk. Just tread carefully. I’m not used to this.”

Gavin smiled but that turned to a frown as he heard the honking of a car horn. His mother was home with the groceries. “We better go help. That’s why she’s leaning on the horn.”

“No problem. Let’s go help her carry it all in,” said Alex, breathing a huge sigh of relief, knowing there would be more to come.